Funny Friday: ______ gone wrong

At my work, we have a code for calling the police and it is "call the bacon." Now, we only call them for emergencies. Some people, however, like to call them for less important things...

I have officially decided that I will not be a 911 dispatcher any time soon. Far too many incompetent people. When I was the owner of a blackberry, I accidentally called 911. Anyone who has a blackberry knows how easy it is to do so. I didn't even realize that that had happened because it was 7:30am and they called me back immediately and I sheepishly admitted to my pocket dial. They informed me however that if this does happen, that you should stay on the line and let them know because they have to call back if you hang up before speaking to someone. Just a fun fact!

I also love, love, love dances that end horribly. Oh. My. Goodness. Nothing funnier. For example:

I always assume that people are fine when I watch falling videos, otherwise I want to cry. And put them in a spinal hold. 

Have a great weekend!

They lost their WHAT?

As you all know, I work as a lifeguard at a beautiful water park with well behaved, rule following guests... I usually have some pretty great stories of my own to share. While this story is not my own... well, it was just exceptional.

At Calypso Themed Waterpark, we have a lazy river type of amusement called the Jungle Run. Throughout the Jungle Run, there are 7 lifeguards stationed with walkie-talkies, rescue floats and first aid kits. Prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. Now occasionally there will be some moron who loses their brand new pair of Oakley's in the Jungle Run and they will ask the lifeguard if they have seen them. Usually this follows with an announcement over the radio that if any lifeguard has found a black pair of Oakley's to please return them to Jungle Run 1 to 7.

This being said, my dear friend Kira was working at Jungle Run one fine afternoon when a woman swam up to her. This woman then asked Kira to come closer, as if to tell Kira a secret. So Kira bent down to this woman's level. The woman whispered in her ear. "I seem to have lost my prosthetic breast in the Jungle Run... It doesn't really matter. I just don't want a kid to find it and start playing with it or something..."

When Kira told me this story, I nearly peed my pants. HOW DO YOU LOSE THAT?! What a strange thing to lose... Kira, however, remained composed. She asked the woman to go around the Jungle Run one more time, and if she didn't find it, then Kira would announce it over the radio for the other guards to look for it.

As that woman swam around, Kira stood at her station wondering how odd this announcement would be over the radio... "Attention all jungle runners, a guest has lost her prosthetic breast in the jungle run... If you find it, if you could pick it up and let me know. Thank you." Needless to say, this was the last thing Kira wanted to do.

Thankfully the woman found her breast in the Jungle Run on her second lap. Kira was a bit relieved and it made for a great story!

I'm going to try to post more often... I am just so busy these days! Also, I registered for my college courses this week. VERY EXCITING!

Funny Fridays: Tweets of a Lifeguard.

I miss lifeguarding. I've said it. Pheew. I miss my fantastic coworkers, being out in the sun all day. I miss that accomplished and pissed off feeling you get after jumping in for someone. I miss the sun. Oh my gosh. It is getting so cold! I'm not saying I could handle the July heat (40 degrees plus) every day... Because I know I couldn't. But not having to lay under blankets every day would be really nice.

Anyways, over the summer with my twitter, I would tweet with the hashtag #lifeofalifeguard. This made it insanely easy to track down every tweet about guarding ever posted by myself, or that someone else posted that I shared with my peeps. (It's called retweeting for you n00bs out there.)

Cheers to a throwback!

Is it a pair of sunglasses? A wallet? Oh... It's weave...

My bed time is 10:30pm. Staying up past midnight is a bad idea.

Half asleep. Imagine someone dying at your pool. Twitch and you're suddenly fully awake.

Honestly... I just want to sleep right now. Swimsuit still on. Whistle still on. Covered in dirt. (I ended up actually doing this... I was really tired...)

I just realized how many boobs I see in a day at work... #notintoit

My hair is so fried... It feels like 3 month old walmart weave. #wah

No matter how long I lay on the beach these tan lines won't go away.

There should be an age limit on bikinis lol my eyes are bleeding!

YOU! DROWN! i can't just stand here all day! #its2hot4that

Clean as a whistle... Does not seem so clean anymore.

Money first, safety second. (I did not say this, some coworkers and I were mimicking the owner of our park.)

My nose is more tan then the rest of my body…

I'm so hot but I don't want to further damage my hair by getting in the water.

I seriously messed up my tan today... :( (Never apply your own sunscreen to your back. Ever.)

Pretty sure I pulled a muscle when I pulled a 30 pound kid out of a slide a few days ago…

Friends who save together, stay together.

The top of my legs have like no fat left on them after walking up 160 stairs everyday all summer.

I think I'm as tan as a person on Jersey Shore.

You talk to your fellow guard friends about how much hatred you have for pants.

Going up stairs does not phase me anymore.

Everytime I exfoliate a part of me dies inside. #tan

Everytime I watch the first scene of A Walk to Remember, I freak out inside.

Saving lives one band aid at a time.

People always complain about lifeguards not doing their jobs... You try guarding 100+ people for an hour...

I might sound rude. It's my job to watch people swim... But if people weren't so careless with their LIVES, no one would need lifeguards.

Indians really think it's funny to drown and have the lifeguard go in and save them... Really?

I want to go back to the days I was a lifeguard when I used to get paid to chill..

I wish everything was easy as being a lifeguard

Dear non-swimmer in the deep end, stop telling me you're okay. You're gonna freakin die. MOVE BACK. Sincerely, the lifeguard who's yelling.

I have to pee SO bad. But I don't want to take off the 1 piece...

I had a coworker tell me "you look so different in civies!" today, when I showed up to pick up my brother... #relief

Dear Hair, would it kill you to look pretty on my day off? Sincerely, Lifeguard.

The worst part of working at an outdoor facility is how your feet look at the end of the night. #lifeguardtroubles #returnofthetrenchfoot

Dear Swimmers, please be prepared to be put on a backboard if you play dead. Sincerely, the lifeguards.

Dear old men at my swimming pool, please stop wearing tiny speedos. NO ONE likes it. Sincerely, lifeguard.

My waitress asked me today if I was a lifeguard because I'm so tan. SOOOO HAPPY!

GTL. Gym, Tan, Lifeguard.

You know I don't like goodbyes. See you later!

This goodbye is proving to be much more difficult then any other before.

High school was easy.
Cineplex Odeon was (beyond) easy.
Even moving away from home was easier than this.

I never imagined I would be so sad leaving this job after only 3 months... Actually, I hate the job. It's the people that are making this so stinking difficult. I left last year, no problem. I haven't even seen anyone from Canada's Wonderland since my last day there. There have been a few facebook messages and some tweets exchanged, but nothing that gave me a desire to hang out again.

Today was my last day at Calypso and I just don't want to leave them yet. Sure, I was done with the patrons, the labor law confusions and the pure stupidness that happened on a day to day basis. But the friendships I've made with these people are shockingly strong. (It has only been 3 months!) They're honestly some of the nicest people I know. It was actually just a breath of fresh air to have met them.

They've been so fun and made being at work bearable. They also laugh at all my jokes, which makes me ridiculously happy. I love when people find me funny. I remember one day I was stuck at the bottom of Accelerators with Amy, and it was just pouring rain, like borderline torrential downpour. For some reason, I thought it would be brilliant to just start throwing tubes all over the place. Now, these aren't just some single or two man tubes. Oh no. These are four man tubes. They are some next level sized tubes. And I was just pitching them and screaming like a mad woman. Amy was bent over laughing so hard and I had tears in my eyes. These moments are what made my summer absolutely magical. Then throw in some cliff jumping, wings, Backstreet Boys, winks & blinks and movie nights.

It has been so great and I'm really sad to be packing up and leaving.

I'm not worried though. We all know that age old saying... Friends who save together, stay together.

I may be a little concussed...

I probably had one of the most exciting rescues ever today. (Personal best guys, don't judge me.) Now, you have to watch the video below to understand the story.

Yes, this is where I work. It is NOT as awesome as it looks... ANYWAYS. There I was, at the top of the slide, doing my usual thing.

Go. Go. Go. Go. NO! You wait. Okay... Go now. Go. Go. Fat person in the back. Take your sunglasses off... Go.

Then my coworker came over and said to me; "Julie, they're stuck." I look to the orange slide where she's pointing and I literally see nothing. This slide looks freakin' empty. I'm thinking she's probably on drugs, but I go and look anyways. Of course, three little kids are sitting in the tube after the first bump on the slide. (Refer back to video.) I radio my supervisor and ask what to do... Really, I knew what to do. I just really didn't want to have to do that...

I was instructed to...
1) Sit on my bum.
2) Slide down slowly to the stuck tube.
3) Push the tube down the slide.
4) Wait for slide to be clear before continuing down to the bottom of the slide.

Easy enough, right?

What ended up happening was that I sat on my butt (in a slide made for tubes... AH) and slid down to where the kids were stranded. As I slid down the first bump, I put my body in a star shape to try to stop myself from completely ramming into these kids. This proved to be an ineffective tactic when my body slid under the tube that had three little bodies inside. As I slid under the tube, I hit my head on the slide, immobilized the "stuck tube" and was now being suffocated/hurtled to my bumpy death. I immediately reached to the back of the tube and slid it back over my body so that I could breath. Then I saw that I was going down the slide with these kids whether I wanted to or not. So, I did what any trained professional would do, I held onto that tube for dear life.

Then I ran back up to the top of the ride where I was supposed to be working... 160 stairs. I was so out of breath and then when I finally got to the top my brain felt as though it would erupt like Mount Saint Helens. I was kind of freaking out because honestly, I could have been concussed and I would have just gone back to work without thinking twice. So, I may be a little concussed from my day's work. Hopefully I don't die in my sleep tonight, or fall into a coma.

Pray for me!

Saving the world, one migraine at a time.

Dear guests of any water park,

I understand that your intention today is to have fun. I have no problem with fun. Believe it or not, when I'm not yelling at you to back up, to wait for the green light, to stop running on the pool deck or to get behind the black line at the deep end, I'm usually having fun myself. So, please, do not think I'm just some douche bag lifeguard because, to be completely honest, I'm getting paid to tell you to follow the rules. That's it. I have no personal interest in making your life difficult. No twisted pleasure in making you stand in line for 2 hours to make you walk down because "you must be this tall/heavy to ride."

People must go through almost 2 years of training to become lifeguards. We are not morons, okay? We know the dangers. We know what a weak swimmers, fakers, distressed non-swimmers look like and most of all, we have human instinct to rely on when all of that knowledge goes down the pooper. So when your kid is in the deep end because you brought them there and they aren't going fast enough to get back to the shallow end, I am not jumping in. So stop yelling at me. Your kid is fine. They're just slow. Because they have the muscle mass of a pigeon.

I will not jump in for you if you fit the following criteria: calm, cool, collected and struggling a little bit. You are breathing. Your face is above water. You can touch the ground. WALK OUT OF THE POOL! This is so not a difficult concept. I don't even understand how you're so upset. If you are freaking out, and I see in your eyes that you feel as though you're going to die, I will not hesitate to jump in. But when you look at me and say, "Uh, lifeguard? Can you help me?" and you're in the middle of the pool, standing on your two feet... Forget it! Because guess what? You're completely fine. And once I get to you, you'll stand up and walk out.

To the lady who flipped me off a few days ago, giving people the finger will NOT make them want to help you. Just a pointer (ha, pun) for life in general.

I don't look like this... Ever. Especially not at work.

This is more what it's like...

To adults who cannot swim, why the heck are you in the deep end? You're an adult.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS.

There is no reason, under any circumstance that I should even HAVE a job as a lifeguard. If people just used their brains, you would never be in water beyond their own personal level of comfort. Therefore, no one would drown. 

Is it so much to ask that if you don't know how to swim to just stay in shallow water? If you feel a little smidge of intimidation, to turn back? To follow the rules? To get out of the slide when you get to the bottom? To swim, not doggy paddle or lay face down in the water for a minute?

Most days, I have to jump in for the children of irresponsible parents. This actually does not bother me. Little kids don't know any better. Parents who are laying on the beach while their 5 year olds are swimming around the deep end in their lifejacket... I dislike them. So strongly. 

Sigh, but really it's just another day at the office.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Except for that girl who flipped me off, she's a douche bag.